my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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