I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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