on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
