i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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