dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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