Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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