I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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