I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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