then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
