I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
