Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
