hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
