And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
