i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
