I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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