saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
