bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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