My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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