it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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