Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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