I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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