I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
