Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Everyone says I win the strip club
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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