nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
