I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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