My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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