Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
