just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
