Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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