I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
