im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
