made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
