I accidentally had phone sex last night
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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