I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
