pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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