i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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