So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
