shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
