he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
