i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
