im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
