saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
These tits shall not be calmed
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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