she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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