Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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