what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
