I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
