How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
