I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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