I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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