ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
