Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
