at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
