Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
