The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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