If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
