If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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