My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
