How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
