i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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