i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
