just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
